It's Not A Date!

So, school has started for the Diva and Ajers and we're kind of getting into a routine; the routine being Diva and I sleep as late as possible, while Ajers gets up at like 6 a.m, puts his clothes on, brushes his teeth, and--ACK!--uses some Axe deodorant (is it really possible for a SECOND GRADER to have such horrible B.O?). After Diva's alarm clock buzzes at 7 a.m. for fifteen full minutes before either she or I hear it, Ajers comes up and nicely wakes us up because HE CAN HEAR IT ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS yet Diva and I are slumbering away in La-La Land. Thank God one of us is an early bird!

Of course, Tukey is still asleep then. He doesn't start preschool till next week so I've promised him some special time, as the third child usually gets left in the dust, and man, that poor kid is covered in dust!

So, yesterday just he and I went to the zoo. On the car ride there, he tells me, "You know, I'm not a baby anymore."

I know, I know. And it's breaking my heart. And also breaking my heart that he'll be FOUR on Friday. But then he reassures me that he will still be my baby sometimes. Good!

We go to the zoo and have a really nice time with each other, and I like to joke with him that 'we're on a date' which makes him really, really mad.

Today, we ran some errands and met friends for lunch but even before we got out of the garage, he informs me:

"Remember, this is not a date. We are not on a date."

"What do you do on a date?" I ask.

"THIS IS NOT A DATE!"

"I know, I know; You've made that very clear. But... what do people do when they ARE on a date?"

"You smushy kiss."

Letter To The Editor

I just read the Chicago Parent "From The Editor" letter and got so riled up I spit out a rebuttle to the editor immediately.

The column, which you can view here, is called: 'Til Death Do Us Part

The editor said...

"Too many times of late, I have found these words tumbling out of my mouth: 'Just what would you do if I died?'" She's directing this comment to her two sons.

Next, she goes on to say this:
"I sense, and I could be wrong here, but I think these feelings are much more common to mothers of boys than of girls."

WHAT?!?!?

"I may be standing out on a sexist limb here..." (HELL YEAH!) ..."but I think boys are passed a secret note in utero. We know they are different...boys appear helpless..." etc, etc...

She goes on to insinuate that boys do not know how to do laundry, which may be true, but what does the fact that they may be helpless when it comes to household chores have to do with a mother feeling a sense of despair for her boys if she were to die?

I sent her this letter:

Dear Ms. Schultz,

I imagine you received your share of comments regarding September's "From the Editor" and agree that you were (as you admitted), "standing out on a sexist limb." I may have read into what you said, but I interpreted you to mean mothers of boys have more feelings of despair if they were to die and leave their sons motherless.

As a mother of two sons, ages four and seven, and one six-year-old daughter, I have to politely disagree with your statement as to your concern over what your children would do if you were to die. I worry about all three of my children and don't feel their gender changes how they would feel if I were no longer living. I would want all three of them to be "healthy and happy," and self-sufficient, just as you were to wish for your sons.

The only thing that would change if I were to die, is I wouldn't be there anymore, and that is a sobering enough thought regardless of their gender.

I really think you were off-base on your comments, and as an editor of a parenting magazine, I would hope you would have taken a different angle on your article. You implied daughters who may lose their mother would be better off than sons, and I find this disheartening.

And, if you're so worried that they would be helpless without you, might I suggest you take the kids into the laundry room and teach them to separate the whites from the colors.

Proud mother of two sons and a daughter,
Stephanie Elliot

So there, Ms. Editor Lady!

Post Script: Ms. Editor Lady and I have settled our differences and you can read about it in the comments section. She's actually a very nice woman, and I just misinterpreted her sense of humor!

More Sex Than Me?

Okay, This Guy is cool, even though he doesn't get it all that often. Check out his blog, click on the link under the August 25th post to watch the animated bunny, and you'll be singing that tune all day long, but earmuffs for the kids hanging on your ankles while you're Blog Surfing. And tell him thanks for linking Manic Mom!

Week In Progress

How many moms out there "binge-eated" on the first day of school? I know of at least one or two others (you know who you are, my sweet, dear, dearest bird!--hee hee!) We have decided there is a "Back-to-school" disease or state of depression. You're so excited to be getting a teeny bit of freedom, yet as soon as I came back to the house after the bus roared them away, I got a lump in my throat and cried. In no time, they will be gone.

Anyway, here's what I ate to fill the void of my missing children yesterday, even though I did have one completely adorable little guy attached to me all day, enjoying Mommy's sometimes undivided attention:
(Okay, I'll admit to you right now that I am trying desperately to remember what yesterday's food intake consisted of, and crap, I can't even remember if I ate breakfast or not!)...

I do know I ate fritos, granola bar, chocolate chips, chocolate chip and chocolate teddy grahams, pizza... starbucks... My brain is fried. Most of my food is too!

So, how did the kids do at school?

Ajers: No brainer with starting second grade. The only major problem with him is telling him he CANNOT go out to wait for the bus at 7:15 when it doesn't even arrive until 7:55! He gets up, dresses, pees (AND PUTS THE SEAT DOWN--I trained 'em early!), brushes his teeth, goes downstairs and even started making his own mini-micowavable pancakes. Last year, he was even letting me sleep until the absolute last minute then gently waking me up so I could wave him off to school. Just wish kids were always this excited about school.

Diva: Another story. She was all excited about first grade, has already ridden the bus, so I didn't think we'd have any problems. But yesterday, day one of first grade, we go out to wait for the bus. She gets very quiet and shy, even though she knows every single one of the eight girls and four boys at the bus stop. Then she confides in me that she is not sure where to line up or where her classroom is or what her teacher looks like. Fortunately, one of the older girls at the stop said she would show Diva where her class was. This older girl also mentioned that Diva's teacher is "A little hard" and that "She pushes you." I'm almost going to dread this already.

She gets off the bus after school and comes running into my arms, crying to me that she missed me. I picked her up and hugged her tightly. Oh, how I missed my little darling for those six hours she was away! How am I going to part from her on a daily basis now?

It got much easier two minutes later when she bolted out of my arms and headed to the neighbors to play, coming home at six p.m. only to bitch to me that "Why did you get my Take Home folder out of my backpack!?!?!?!" Cripes. And today when she woke up, she immediately started bitching at me because her alarm clock wasn't set (she's NEVER used a freaking alarm clock!) and how would she know how to get up if it wasn't set. DUH. She was already awake!

Then she started going downstairs in her jammies, and I was like, "NO! Gotta get dressed up here, and now!" Cranky, bitchy, crabby. My darling Diva. First grade is gonna suck. (Well, the part from the time she wakes up till the time she gets onto the bus!)

And then, there's little Tukey Pie, who doesn't start his three-day afternoon pre-school program until after Labor Day (and consequently--right word?--just after he turns FOUR!)...who cuddled and snuggled and talked baby talk to me all day long, taking full advantage of his alone time with me. And I just loved it when I asked him if he needed a bath and he lifts up his arm, points to his arm pit and exclaims:

"Smell this bad boy."

I did, and it smelled wonderful... all little boy and I could just eat him up, my Tukey Pie!

Email Addresses

Have any of you noticed how now there are new emails out there with the end of:

g mail?

I guess the internet companies decided to go down the alphabet and decided the next letter in line would not be appropriate.

It would be like saying, "Honey, did you check your F-mail today?"

"No! I didn't check the fucking mail today!"

Just a thought, a pre-caffeinated thought for the day.

School's In Session - Now What?

From the time our children are born, there is one common fear all parents have. We dread the day our children leave our homes and head for school. And I’m not talking about college here. I’m dreading kindergarten!

Now that my oldest son will head off in that screeching, fume-blowing, pumpkin-colored bus, I’m going tell myself a few things. It’s really okay that the bus doesn’t have seat belts and that a complete stranger is driving my child to school, and there could possibly be bullies on that bus waiting to pounce on my little guy.

I will simply inhale deeply and do some of those breathing techniques I learned in prenatal class that never really worked during labor. When I’m calm enough, I’ll hop into the minivan and follow that evil-child-stealer-school bus. I will see for myself that my son actually made it to school. I will heave a huge sigh of relief and remind myself cheerfully that in just 4 short years, my youngest child will also be heading for kindergarten and I will have 2½ whole uninterrupted hours to myself every day! Always planning in advance, I’m starting to wonder what I will do with all of the free time I will have.

The options are endless.

I can begin to sort through the stuffed boxes of photos that include pictures from three children’s births, baptisms, summer vacations, and 12 different themed birthday parties. I should have listened to my husband when he told me we could fake our third child’s first few birthdays just by showing him his siblings’ photos and telling him it was his party. I should really start this project soon before I can no longer tell one child from the other in the photographs. At least I’ll know my daughter is the one wearing a dress in the pictures.

Next on my “Things-To-Do-With-My-Free-Time-When-The-Children-Are-In-School” list is brush up on current events. I will do this by spending lazy mornings watching television. I will resist the urge to find out the number of the day on Sesame Street. Instead, I will watch The Today Show where I will inevitably wonder what happened to Matt Lauer’s hair and the other half of Al Roker?

Another project I can tackle is that kitchen junk drawer. It’s a wonder what I may find in there. The last time I cleaned it out, I found expired coupons from 1999, 4 undeveloped rolls of film that I still haven’t had developed, 2 sets of keys that I had no idea what they went to, and a book of 29-cent stamps. The next time I think I’m losing my mind, I’ll remember to check that drawer!

And while I’m in this cleaning frenzy, I may as well hit the underwear drawer and get rid of those 12 pairs of nylons I kept just in case I was ever motivated to dress in something nicer than jeans and a t-shirt. I should probably throw out those milk-stained nursing bras that no longer have any elastic. And I guess I should just admit that I’m never going to wear that racy, lacy thong my husband bought me one long-ago Valentine’s Day.

Next, I’ll call up a charity or childcare center and tell them I am finally ready to part with the Exersaucer, crib, highchair and changing table. I’ve gone through all of the stages: denial, grief, and lastly, acceptance. I’ve come to terms that my 2-year-old no longer needs (or fits into) an Exersaucer.

When the children are all in school, I will take a daily shower where I will shampoo and condition my hair. I won’t have to jump out to stop the kids from fighting, only to have them say, “Mommy, why are you naked?”

Each day, I will eat a warm breakfast (Toaster Strudels do not count!), read the paper and do the crossword puzzle. Heck, I’ll have the time – I’ll even grind the beans for my coffee. Wait. I don’t drink coffee.

Next on my list: start drinking coffee.

I look forward to making a phone call without having to threaten or bribe the children before I dial. I’m sure the recipients of my calls will also appreciate me not yelling into the earpiece, “Quiet! Mommy’s on the phone!”

Lastly, when I have some free time to myself, I think I’ll spend quiet moments sitting on the front porch swing. There, I’ll tick off the minutes until that big, gruesome bus rumbles onto the street and deposits my children into my waiting arms.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I wrote this and it was published in The Philadelphia Inquirer, August 2003. If you would like to share it with your blogger readers, please feel free to copy and paste - just let me know if you are doing so!

I actually got a lump in my throat and cried when Ajers and Diva got on the bus this morning. On my way back to the house, I ran into a male neighbor who is sending off his youngest of three to college tomorrow. It tore me up when he said it's heartbreaking and to cherish and enjoy every single moment because it truly does go by so quickly. But now, it's Tukey time! We are off to power walk to... of all places... Krispy Kreme! (And Tukey just said to me: "I'm having the funnest day ever and ever!" I guess he's not sad he's got me all to himself today!)

Hope your children's first day of school is a memorable day and that you are cherishing these beautiful times with them, in and out of school!

Manic Mom Meets Super Mom!

What do you get when you cross a Swiffer broom with an ordinary mom and a nasty bathroom stain?

You get...

Super Mom!

You know I love reading, I love blogging, I love being a mom, I love writing and I love other writers. Well, now I love Super Mom too! I've been known to stalk a few authors and have had the ultimate pleasure of having an author contact me about my blog. Melanie Lynne Hauser emailed me about a month or so ago and so we started chatting. Turns out she lives about 15 minutes away from me, and so we emailed for a while then decided to 'meet.'

Meeting a potential new friend from the Internet is just as scary probably as meeting a potential new boyfriend from the Internet. You hope you like each other, you hope you're wearing the right thing, you hope you don't fall all over yourself gushing about how glad you found each other online. Right? Right.

Well, Melanie has just had her first book published: Confessions Of Super Mom... and please note, it's not Confessions of A Super Mom because there is only one Super Mom. It's like you wouldn't read a book called Confessions of A Spider Man or Confessions of A Batman. It's simply one Super Hero.

One amazing, powerful, womanly Super Hero who yields a Swiffer as her choice of weapon.

And I got to meet her creator!

Of course, our meeting place had to be somewhere public, as you never know what kind of quirky people are out there (Me, not her!).

Of course, where do you think Manic Mom meets Super Mom? Hmmm... I see a sequel there where the two are in cahoots together--Super Mom trying to get Manic Mom off the depressants and nonfatsugarfreevanillalattes... which, brings me, of course, to the meeting place:

Starbucks.

Where else do you think Melanie and I would meet?

And of course, Manic Mom is late for this meeting, because of a few reasons: I couldn't find my Xanax, and I couldn't figure out what to wear for this meeting of the minds!

I get there late, and walk into Starbucks. Maybe I planned it that way. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to be late so I wouldn't have to sit there and wonder if I was getting stood up?

I was late. It was rude of me. But I'm not Super Mom. I'm Manic Mom, and lateness is one of my traits. Good or bad, that's who I is.

I scan the room and see, in the corner, a very cute woman, an author of a real live book (!) waiting for me. Waiting for me and wearing...

the SAME, EXACT GAP SHIRT I WAS WEARING! (Of course, we women, having the utmost sense of fashion, had worn colors to complement our skin tones. Melanie, being blond, had on a robin egg color. Me, being Manic, wore black. Just kidding, mine was a pomegrante color. Heh, I don't know what a pomegrante color is either... no, mine was more of a, what's that fruit...Oh yeah... Papaya. That's the color I was wearing. OK, I think it was orange.

So, we met, we talked about writing, and coffee, and hairstyles and children. We had SO many similarities besides our cute, albeit last year's style, Gap shirts!
We were both women!
We both write! (Although she's got a book out that is bound to be a best seller and someday a Disney movie which I hope to be cast in, just as an extra, please Mel!)
We are both moms!
We have both had martinis from Hugo's in Naperville and nursed hangovers from said martinis!

The similarities were endless. Destiny, I say, pure Destiny!

We found out we had both lived in the very exact same town of Langhorne, Pennsylvania (Home of Sesame Place, if you're looking for a fun family summer destination!) at points in our lives and had even BIRTHED some of our children in the very same hospital. How weird it is to think Super Mom's creator and I could have labored in the EXACT same bed? That quite possibly, the L&D nurse (named Barney of all names) who was there for both my birthing experiences in that hospital, had first touched Melanie's children, had given them their APGAR test, and then, years later, quite possibly had touched my children on the day they were born as well!!?!?

It was Destiny in the finest sense!

And now, Manic Mom and the Creator of Super Mom shall become BFF and I will be there to cheer her on at her book signing at Anderson's in Naperville, where we may even partake in dual martinis afterward to celebrate our kinship!

If you're going to be around on Thursday, and want to join in on this crazed womanhood bonding, I'm sure that after the signing, the bartender can shake up a few extra martinis for you as well!

Way to go, Super Mom! A Hero for All Of Us Super Women!

Now, Get on out there and Fight Grime!

When Is Lent?

Because I've got to give up this Blog posting, Blog surfing, Blog commenting, Blog laughing, Blog fixing shit. Somebody put me to bed please. Or just take me to Wonderland.

My Cyber BFF!

Christa ROCKS! Thanks for staying up all night with me! XO

And in other news, Manic Mom may be moving to a new URL soon. Stay tuned...

Is This Bad?

Is it wrong for your almost eight-year-old to be yelling:

"Fudge!"

"What the fudge!?!?"

I thought I heard this from him as he is skateboarding outside and called him to the door.

I asked, "Ajers, what did you just say?"

Ajers: "Fudge."

Me: "Okay, I don't want to hear that anymore."

Think he'll start saying fuck now that he's not allowed to say fudge?

Shit.

The Significance Of Song

I've been wanting to blog about the song Your Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer because the words are just so beautiful, but then one of my friends mentioned it was written about Jennifer Love Hewitt (actress) and that bummed me out because I didn't want to have an image of the woman in the song. The words are just awesome:


We got the afternoon,
You got this room for two.
One thing we got left to do,
discover me, discovering you.
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of Candy Lips
and your bubblegum tongue.

And if you want love,
we'll make it.
Swim in a deep sea of blankets,
take all your big plans and break 'em.
this is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland.

And the best part of the song:

...the shape you take while
crawling toward the pillow case
You tell me where to go, though I might
leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed without
my hand behind it.

Wow.

And now I can't believe it's about me, but it's about Jennifer Love Hewitt. How lucky is she that some man wrote this beautiful song for her!

Anyway, yesterday we were watching a huge spider make its web on the plants around our deck and we were talking about how we didn't like spiders. Someone mentioned how they hated when they were walking and accidentally went through a web. So, what did I do today that was amusing?

I was on my a.m. walk and listening to my iPod iShuffle when the song Spider Web from No Doubt came on. At the end of the song, I actually walked through a damn web.

This got me thinking about other times a song has hit right on and I remembered seeing Peter Gabriel senior year in high school at Poplar Creek outdoor amphitheatere. Well, when he started playing Red Rain, the skies opened up and it actually started raining. It wasn't red though, but it was absolutely so cool to be surrounded by all these people there for the same reason and to have it rain during that song.

Other songs that evoke feelings for me:

In Your Eyes, which is unofficially "our" song. Any time it comes on the radio, we'll call each other and play it for one another, not saying anything, just having the other person listen to it. The other day, I called Hub on his cell and he answered the phone and In Your Eyes was playing in the background. I'm guessing he was just about to call me. Yeah right!

I'm going to cut this post short and write more later. It is an absolutely gorgeous day here in the midwest and we are zoo-bound today. Wonder what songs will be playing on the radio. Didn't U2 have an album called Zooropa? Hee. Hee.

This Post's For Tommy

Especially for my pal Tommy: Pre- and Post-Date Night yesterday, honey! Winka winka!

Ugh.

New Capri Jeans, a bearable size, not on sale:
$48

Bust-worthy top:
$12

Target shoes to match bust-worthy top, (Of course they're Target!):
$14.99

Husband staying with kids instead of babysitter:
$0

First round of drinks, which included my caramel appletini with cherry, two Coronas, and a Canadian Club and Diet:
$25 with tip

Three appetizers, two more rounds of drinks, which included my Blue Moon beer with extra oranges:
$49

Tip:
$10

Next round of drinks at Hugo's (yep, Melanie--that Hugo's, and those Key Lime Martinis):
$27

Next round of drinks at Hugo's which we thought we found "sponsors" for but ended up having to pay ourselves:
$42

Ditching so-called sponsors because they didn't pay for our drinks: PRICELESS...

But there's more...

Another round of appletinis at Peanuts bar where we had to listen to some guy with who had his own six-pack with him tell us about his dead fiance, and then his dead wife (couldn't keep his story straight):
An hour of our time wasted, and another $30.

Going back to the original bar where we ditched the sponsors, telling them we left because our other friend, "Heidi" got sick, and then drinking more:
$$ Who the hell knows at this point?

Staying for last call on a Thursday night (now Friday a.m.) and leaving the bar, and S finding money on the curb:
$14

Listening to friend S have conversation with drunk Tara Reid look-a-like who is wearing a 'top' that looks like two fuschia scarves going from her shoulders and tied down at her waist, completely open and breast-baring, sporting a freshly bleeding knee says: "I need a bandaid."

S: "Honey, I think you could use a bra too."

Then almost getting into a catfight with the drunk, bleeding Tara Reid look-a-like, and smuggily knowing we could kick her ass:
Priceless.

Not accepting the ride from the first taxi driver cuz he was smoking: $0

Burritos, chips, and a huge Diet Coke purchased after we made our taxi driver search for something open at 1:30 a.m. on a Friday:
$18

Having cell ring at 1:30 a.m. and hearing concerned husband on the other end wondering where I am:
Sweet.

Getting home safely, and without throwing up in the taxi:
$35 (I know, I know, but I was drunk and home alive, and not puking, and the taxi guy deserved a good tip--hell, $35 is waaaay cheaper than a DUI, dontcha think?)

Having a fabulous time with girlfriends who have known each other for over half their lives on a Thursday night:
Absolutely, positively priceless!

I can't remember the last time I've been this hungover on a Friday.

Let's All Play Another Game.

Answer these in my comments section. Would love to know more about you. Skip my answers if you're sick of learning more about me.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
White teeth, tiny lines around the eyes, boogers, blackheads. (See, already you're thinking you should have skipped my answers!)

2. How much cash do you have on you right now?
On me, on me... none. In my wallet, about $45 or so, which will be spent on a couple-two three appletinis tomorrow night with the gal pals.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Tickles. Ha.

4. Favourite plant?
Marijuana. Ha again. Boy, this is fun!

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Do I have to get the phone out to check?

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Some Samba dance thingy.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Hot pink stretch Gap T.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
Writer Mom.

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
None right now, but if you read yesterday's post, it would be either Target Circo's or Payless whatevers.

10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room?
To sleep in, dark, pitch black. We called our old bedroom The Al Quada Cave or The Four Seasons, depending on if the bed was made or not. To work or spend time awake, I prefer a bright room.

11. What did you have for breakfast?
Really, must you ask this? Grandeicednonfatsugarfreevanillalatte1/2whip.
Wanna know what lunch was?

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I actually made it to bed by then last night, had a terrific night's sleep. I know this because I woke at 6:00 a.m. with a terrible pressure in my bladder because I had not gotten up to pee once.

(What happened to number 12?)
Okay, there was no number 12 when I got this questionnaire, so I'll make one up: What are you doing with your left hand right now?

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"Thanks for the anniversary call." It was from my brother, dated in June. I just realized I had text messaging on my phone last week!

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?
Depends on if it's a pop up or banner of a nude guy.

16. What's an expression that you say a lot?
Rock on dude! Or "Who's Your Daddy?" when I'm trying to get that information from my kids.

17. Who told you they loved you last?
Hubby, just five minutes ago when he called me from his girlfriend's house.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Baxter.

19. How many hours a week do you work?
Work to be paid, or work not to be paid. How many hours are in a week? Subtract about 35-50 for sleep and that's how much I work.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None, and I was in Target just today thinking how nice it is to never have to buy film again!

21. Favourite age you have been so far?
Two was a great year. There was somebody there to always kiss me goodnight, give me food and wipe my butt.

22. Your worst enemy?
A computer virus.

23. What is your current desk top picture?
A screensaver that says I L O V E Y O U ! ! ! that I put on there for Hubby the other day.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"I'll be up when you get home" is what I said to Hubby when he just called me from his girlfriend's house.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes which would you choose?
I'd take the million. I'm thankful that so far I've not done too many regrettable things in my life. Hey, now that's a pretty good feeling.

Feel free to add to your blog, tell 'em Manic Mom sent ya! Thanks for playing!

A List

What You Don't Know About Me.

The most I've ever weighed was 240.

I once was catheterized when I was a little girl. The nurse told me to open my legs, put my heels together and ribbit like a frog.

That same night, I saw Wizard of Oz for the first time, and scared to death, I turned it off during the flying monkey part, thinking it was over.

I stole a case of Pop/Soda whatever... Okay, it was Diet Coke, from Jewel after a night of drinking. We paid for a bunch of other stuff though. Maybe it was a 12-pack, not a case.

We used to buy Rhinelander beer in college because we got a rebate from the bottles, even though the beer sucked.

I once gave a boy a pair of my undies on the side of a house. A couple years later, I met up again with that boy in college at a bar. He approached me and said, "I think I have something that belongs to you."

I went home with him that night.

My roommate and I were called the smoke dick chicks in college, but not because that was something we were doing, but because it was a catch-phrase we used in leui of "Screw you" or something worse, but thinking back, how can it get any worse than "Smoke dick?"

I dropped out of my first college math class a week into it.

My college roommate brought home a totally hot guy one night, but she ended up in the bathroom puking, so I "took over" for her. (She, by the way, is still my friend, and already knows this, but I didn't tell her for years.)

My favorite ice cream flavor it Peppermint chip but it has to be the pink colored ice cream with the red, blue and green mint candies in it.

I've never been pregnant at a time I didn't want to be.

I won a writing monetary scholarship in high school worth $125. There was one other person going for it, and I think the teachers gave it to me because they felt sorry for me. The other girl was much more qualified.

I dressed up as a used tampon one Halloween for a party. It was hilarious. Unfortuntaely, I was too hung over from the weekend before I enjoy myself.

I (shhh, this is a big one) kissed a girl once. Romantically.

Our husbands (shhh, again) were watching.

The first gift I ever received from Hubby was the ugliest hooded sweatshirt with San Francisco emblazoned in cursive on the front. It was pink and blue with satin trim and two sizes too small. He kept asking me when I was going to wear it. I put it on one day for class when I was leaving his apartment, ran over to the student center and changed out of it. I wish to God I had saved that sweatshirt, just so I could remind him what an ugly and stupid gift it was.

I refuse to get rid of the shirt I was wearing the night I met Hubby. I will neither get rid of the shirt he was wearing. His was from The Gap. Mine was from The Limited.

At my driver's test when I was 16, the instructor told me to turn right and I went left, running over a small curb. I still passed.

I could live off of french fries and pizza if those were the only two foods left on earth. Oh, and Diet Coke.

I rarely crave chocolate, but you wouldn't believe it if you read the archives.

I could still pro-create if I choose to.

I'm not going to choose to.

When Diva came out of my vagina, I thought she was a boy. I didn't care because I was just so glad I was able to do it (Ajers was a C-section baby).

Instead of purchasing iTunes with my credit card, I go to Target, purchase a pre-paid card there and use it when I get home, so Hubby does not know I'm spending frivilously on the internet.

I'm afraid of eBay.

I have about 10 notebooks of journal entries from college. I used to think I would die if anyone read them. Now I don't think they're that bad.

I love Sesame Street and Grover is my favorite. I'm sad my children are no longer interested in it.

I would rather read, write or buy books than see a movie or shop for clothes.

I only buy shoes from Target or Payless, and not because I'm cheap... Okay, maybe because I am cheap, but shoes are shoes (please don't ream me for this!)

I've only worked for men.

I've only had three real jobs.

All three bosses names began with the letter J. Two of them were named Jim.

I never slept with my bosses.

I've slept with co-workers, but not in real jobs, and some of them had names beginning with the letter J too. Okay, maybe just one.

My mother told us our vaginas were called pelvis when we were growing up. A penis was called a penis.

We played doctor all the time when I was a kid. I think every kid does, or maybe I was just weird?

I read and loved and coveted every single Judy Blume book when I was young.

I once hid a pack of my mom's cigarettes in my bedroom drawer because I wanted her to quit smoking. She, in turn, thought I had started smoking. This was like in third grade.

I don't really remember the first time I got really drunk.

I have thrown up from overdrinking countless times. There are pictures of my throwing up. Many of them.

I threw up in my husband's car on our way home from an elaborate party. His employee and his wife were in the back seat. I got some vomit on the woman. Hubby is frightened every time I get into his car if I've been drinking now.

We take cabs whenever we go out now.

I've thrown up in a cab.

I've thrown up and had to swallow it back down as the occasion/location didn't permit me to throw up.

I first tried marijuana on a cruise ship.

I've never done cocaine, X, acid. I always wanted to try two of those three but probably won't now because I am a mother.

My parents thought I was doing drugs in college because I got very skinny. I wish I remembered how I did it.

My favorite movie when I was growing up was GREASE. I still have my GREASE trading cards that are probably worth something.

I would try to sell them on eBay if I wasn't afraid.

I hate gin.

I don't like beer anymore either.

I still have a teddy bear that was given to me when I was born. I remember thinking it was the hugest toy in the world. It's not.

I still have my Good Luck Care Bear I got for Christmas when I was a sophomore in high school.

I don't let Diva play with either of these toys.

I used to try on my mom's lingerie. I think my brothers did too. They're not gay.
Or cross-dressers.

I went to a Catholic grade school and there were 23 students in my eighth grade graduating class. I know at least two of them have died - one a car accident, one a suicide. I wonder if anything we did to the one who committed suicide caused him to do it? I wrote a poem about him once. I know one of them walked down the aisle at her high school graduation pregnant, and I think she has been married twice and has five children. I always wonder if she got fat. I am still friends with my best friend from back then (Hi Ann!).

The best summer of my life was when I was twenty. So far.

Thinking On My Toes

So my Tukey was sick yesterday--he kept complaining that he didn't feel well and I just thought he was looking for attention until yesterday evening when the kids were outside, Diva comes running in:

Diva: "Luke just threw up in the yard!"

I run out there, and yes, Tukey is puking in the yard, and then the stud finishes, gets his little almost-four-year-old body back up on the skateboard and continues to play.

He's fine, I think. Just a little upset tummy.

Eleven p.m.: I'm on the computer. Hubby is jamming to my iPod tunes in the office. I hear Tukey crying in his bed. The minute I open his door, I smell it. Vomit. Yes, he puked all over his bed in his sleep and it's all over his hair and his pillow (which is now in the garbage can) and his bedsheets and comforter.

So, Hubby and I clean it up and I suggest Tukey sleeps in our bed and Hubby goes into the guest room in case Tuke needs me in the middle of the night (and also to avoid S-E-X, because I'm just not in the mood).

I had the best night sleep!

Then today, it's family day, hubby takes off work, and we're thinking of something fun to do with the family. Tuke is still crabby so we decide just to do a quick Target run and then go to the grocery store. Of course, the kids had to get blue slushies at Target, and of course, Tuke starts feeling ill at Dominick's and says "I have to frow up, I have to frow up!" And he starts running around looking for a place to puke.

I grab the plastic produce bag and put it in front of his face. Worked like a charm. It feels good to be a mom who can think on her toes! And I know the guy working in produce was happy about it too!

My End of the Deal

It's 5:15 p.m.

I haven't:

Peed once since I got up at 8 a.m.
Drank any water (hence the need not to pee).
Brushed my teeth. Ewww... I did eat a couple Tic Tacs.
Put in my contacts.
Gotten out of my night shirt PJs.
Planned anything for dinner.
Brushed my hair.
Put on a bra.
Gone outside.
Done any laundry.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Made a grocery list (although I did think about it).

I have:
Made the children cinnamon/choc chip pancakes for breakfast at 2:00 p.m.
Done some legitimate paying work.
Queried/emailed agents.
Got rejections from agents.
Got a request or two for more info on 40.
Listened to Diva beg for more Tic-Tacs, which she is doing now and I am saying yet to get her out of my face.
Jammed to SINCE YOU BEEN GONE video on the computer by Kelly Clarkston.
Contemplated picking my face, but refrained, except now that I said it, I think I wanna do it.
IMmed.
Blogged.
Read Blogs.
Posted on Blogs.
Daydreamed about food.
Talked on the phone.
Gotten pissed because the phone is not working.
Eaten a Tic Tac Diva just brought me.

I think it's Frap time.

How's your day going?

Is Everybody In Agreement?

I'm declaring it "Screw-Everything-And-Go-Back-To-Bed" Day. Besides, my kids are happy--there's goldfish and teddy grahams in the pantry and I think Nickelodeon is running a Full House Marathon. At least I keep hearing Uncle Joey saying "CUT-IT-OUT" and Jessie saying, "HAVE MERCY!"

It's Late

I'm crabby.
I'm hungry.
I am picking the dry skin off the heels of my feet.
I need a pedicure.
I need a back massage.
I need sleep.
I'm tired but why am I not going to bed?
I'm starving!
Good night.

The Simple, Good Things

Music that makes you want to walk faster

A cold bottle of water on a steamy day

Chewing gum that never loses its flavor and you can crack it really loudly

Having your son tell you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world

Feeling like you are doing something good for your body/health every day

Getting up at 2 a.m. to check the children and sneaking into their rooms, and knowing you are so extremely blessed to have the little munchkins who are not so little any more

IM

Sharing a passion with others

Meeting friends for grandeicednonfatsugarfreevanillalattes

Taking the kids to the pool

Date nights with hubby that go so well they remind you why you got married in the first place -- cuz you have fun together and you LIKE being together

Hating your parents' dog but secretly liking the fact that she wound up sleeping in your bed, under the sheets, flushed right against your legs the whole time they were here


Yoga

Boston cream pie light yogurt with low-fat granola and a diet pepsi for breakfast

Great decorating finds (I've been on a roll!)

Digital cameras so you can take goofy pictures of close-ups of nostrils, eyeballs, tonsils


Target

A Starbucks in Target

Barnes & Nobles

Ditto what I said after I said Target

Books

Money to buy books

Sleeping in and stretching sideways across the bed

Having someone pass by you and you say, "Have a good day," and they smile and say "You too!" and you already know you are having one

Waking up to find a new screen saver on your computer that says your husband loves you, loves your kids

What are some of the simple, good things in your life? I hope you have many!

Personality Test

When I took this test that my friend DatingDummy recommended, I have to admit I chose the picture that would most likely match my blog. I think DD did that too!

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Life Gift

Everyone’s life is a gift. We become this gift when we are born and we are the gift to everyone in our lives we encounter, whether it be the mail carrier, our spouse, our children, our parents, the next-door neighbor. Each and every day, what you do, what you say becomes part of that gift to another person.

Thoughout our lives, the gift gets open a little at a time, pieces of tape are removed, part of the gift is revealed through our words and actions, through our beliefs and dreams. We share that gift throughout our lives.

I know a man who was a gift to the woman who became his mother. This mother had received an earlier gift in life, a son named Johnny, yet he was taken from her at a far too young of an age, through the disease of polio.

Johnny was a gift to his family, and when he died, his parents received another gift—two of them, two brothers, Jim and Bob, adopted. The gifts continued.

Uncle Bobby was a gift to his family, his friends, his wife and his children, his co-workers, the mail carrier, and his neighbors. A little bit of him, as a gift, was opened and shared with everyone who came into his life.

Now, the gift has been completely opened, we are grateful to have known him, and we can take solace in knowing that he is now the recipient of a gift, the greatest gift we could ever hope to know. The gift of everlasting life.

And it’s hard for us to understand something we have not yet experienced, but I take comfort in knowing that we’re put on this earth for a greater purpose, one in which we will all understand someday, when we receive the ultimate gift of life, as Bobby has.

Date Night

It's almost 2:00 a.m. and I just got home from one of the BEST dates in my life, and yes, it was with my husband! This is something we just don't do enough!

We started out by being smart, although I didn't think it was necessary, he ordered a taxi to take us to dinner. (Yes, I know, it should have been a limo!--LOL)

We went to the downtown area where we live, and I would tell you but maybe the Manic Haters would find out and come try to kill me--Another LOL, I'm on a roll, or a buzz, or whatever!

So, we go for a before-dinner drink and I have an AWESOME caramel apple SKYY vodka martini and get a nice buzz right away because, gee, I forgot to eat today, except for some granola and yogurt at 10:00 a.m. and then my VENTICAFFEVANILLAFRAPLIGHTWITHATINYBITOFWHIP and the pink and yellow seasonal smiling face cookie I had for lunch. So, happy buzz, and then we head to dinner at Catch 35--terrific atmosphere, great food, and even fun conversations with our server, the couple next to us (who, it turns out, knows a couple of our neighbors!).

We had a GREAT bottle of wine, called... hmmm... let me think... it was a Chardonnay, and called Kenner or something like that... it's fermented in a SILVER bin, rather than an oak thingy, so there's not that woodsy aftertaste, but a glass does cost freaking $14... but hey, we splurged cuz Mom was babysitting so that saved us about $50 right there. Anyway, this is what we ate:

Shared: mozzarella and beefsteak tomato salad.
Crab bisque
Awesome sourdough bread
Crabcake appetizer...

Then, instead of an entree, I got Schezwan scallops that ROCKED, and it was an appetizer, and I also got another order of the crabcake appetizer with extra roumelade sauce. Completely ROCKED!

Didn't do dessert, but went to Club Two-Nine and had a STARBUCKS EXPRESSO martini, and we saw these two guys that were so gay, but nice looking and they bought us Cherry Bomb Shots--which are Red Bull and Cherry Vodka shots----so good, except now that I think about it, they actually taste like cherry Tylenol or Nyquil. So, the gay guys bought us shots--probably cuz they thought Hubby was cute.

Next up, we were totally on the verge of going home... UNTIL...

We go to the bar where I did that terrible thing with the twenty-three year old (ALMOST) way back in Feb (go to archives in Feb for the dirt)... and we get to that bar, and I tell Hubby--"This is right where I was hanging on that kid!" No biggie, we are totally together and honest with one another and I love him completely for it.

So, we go to Club Mama LuLu's where they're playing '70s and '80s music. These are the songs I request and the songs they played:

Dancing Queen
Groove Is In The Heart
INXS something or the other
BoDean--Closer to Free
New Order--Bizarre Love Triangle AND Blue Monday
Love Shack--B52s
They also played Like A Prayer by Madonna, circa 1988 (Shar and Sue and Sandi remember it well, and there's even a video out there somewhere!)

It rocked and we were dancing all night. Fortunately for me, I stopped drinking except for a few sips of Hub's beer.

THEN--
I see this girl who looks familiar so I'm like, "Hey, is your name Maria Crixxx?" She looks at me like I'm a freak. I say, "We went to high school together--D.G. North" and tell her my maiden name. Still Blank look but she fakes it like she remembers me, but I remember more than she does. (I must have done fewer drugs in high school!)

So whatever, no biggie, but I had told Hubby we would see someone we knew out tonight.

THEN... all of a sudden, the whole place is calling Hubby Frank the Tank from Old School. See, for some reason, Hubby resembles WILL FERREL and that completely cracks me up, but grocery store clerks even ask him if he gets mistaken for Will Ferrel. One time even, one of Hubby's employees' wives met him and she said, "YOU'RE RIGHT HONEY, HE'S TOTALLY WILL FERREL!"

There's like all these cute girls we're hanging out with and their hubbies and EVERYONE in the bar is like, "Your husband is so Will Ferrel." I think they wanted him to streak. Then they're all yelling, "Frank the Tank, Frank the Tank!" Like chanting, and that makes me laugh because I know hubby, and yeah, he's fun, and he's funny, but Will Ferrel... Hmmm. I don't think so!

Then, I'm dancing with a couple fun girls who are also moms and out for a good time, and I see THE GAY GUYS FROM THE PREVIOUS BAR! Turns out these GAY GUYS are POLICE OFFICERS (one is a seargent!) and they are the HETEROSEXUAL HUSBANDS of the girls who I am hanging out with.

So, I tell them, "Oh My God, we saw them at the other bar and Hubby (aka Will Ferrel at this point) and I totally thought THEY WERE GAY!" I even told the one wife that her husband wearing the pink striped shirt was the girl gay guy, and the other guy in the black and white embroidered white trim shirt was the man gay guy!

They cracked up!

We had an absolute blast!

I love being able to go out with my husband, and have fun with him, and watch HIM having fun and clowning around, but thank God, not streaking down the streets!

What a great date night, and even better, Will Ferrel's already passed out so now I can sneak upstairs and not have to worry about saying, "Sorry honey, I have a headache!" (Which maybe wouldn't quite be all that off-base!)

Frappy Happy

Haven't really posted anything worthwhile lately, and if you're one of those less enthused with The Manic, then you're probably thinking, "Do you ever post anything worthwhile? All you talk about is your stupid kids and taking prescription drugs and drinking flippy-flappy frappies. How boring is that!?"

So, maybe I should try to think of something more "lah-di-dah" to discuss here on Manic. We could talk about the war, or the government, or plane crashes, or the missing Aruba girl (which really baffles me, I tell ya), or any of the horrible things that are happening around us in the world, sometimes right outside our own front doors.

Screw it.

I'm going to still talk my fru-fru crap. It makes me happy! And today, I'm happy. I woke with a slight hangover, went for an awesome four-mile power walk (PW, now for short), then took my booty over to Starbucks and splurged on a Venticaffevanillafraplightwithjustatinybitofwhip and a seasonal pink and yellow smiley face cookie.

Oh yeah, I also made Hubby happy today. Going to make for a great date night tonight!

Hope you're having a Frappy Happy day too!

Quote of the Week/Day/Hour/Whatever...

You never get anywhere in life by sitting back and wondering what could have happened.-- Stephanie

I'm Tired...

...Of looking at a post about me being a shriveled up troll, so I had to post something new. Want to thank my haters though, because of you, I've gotten over 250 hits in a 24-hour period. So yes, it is true, any publicity, (even bad foul-mouthed rude stuff from people who aren't even reading this any longer, so it doesn't matter what I say as a rebuttal) is good publicity.

And Now The Latest from the Manic Haters

Stephanie is a shriveled up, nasty old troll with the maturity of a six year old.

I'm giving them exactly what they want by posting here. Posting annonymously is just so third grade. Lighten up a bit, will you guys? If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it.

It's Finished

Thirty-eight months in the making (probably more than half of that time I wasn't even thinking about it).

Four-hundred forty-seven pages.

One-hundred twenty-one thousand, nine hundred fifty one words.

Done.

My first novel. Will it see the light of day via a bookstore window? That is my dream.

Well, Well, Well...

Yes! I've arrived!

I'm getting hate email! heh heh heh. What do they say, Any publicity is good publicity?

Some people don't like the Manic. (Would insert a picture of Dana Carvey's church lady here if I could.) Anyway, no matter. The person who is less than thrilled with me has promised, scout's honor, that he or she will never stop by Manic again.

Some people just have no sense of humor. It's such a shame.