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What does it mean when you wake up on the last full day of the year, in a bed unoccupied by your husband, and you realize you've spent the whole night dreaming of the bastard ex?

Resolution Schmezolution

Well, I'm reflecting on the resolutions I resolved to keep 364 days ago and am thankful I didn't have any of them written down because I would have to look back at that list and think of the year as pretty much a failure.

I didn't lose weight, or even maintain my originally WW-lost-60-pound weight this year, ooh, and if I was really good at this blog thing, I could just magically attach a link to my WW profile when I did lose weight (Maybe I'll figure out how in the next entry, just so I can depress myself some more.)

I didn't finish my novel, yet I'm still working on it and the next one is being mapped out, in my brain and bits of it on paper, scritch-scratched. I did land an agent, who I am very hopeful has the right kind of industry contracts and the belief in me and my writing to get 40 published, hopefully in 2005, but there we go again, jotting down another resolution.

My last resolution for 2004, which only contains a score or more hours in the year, is to eat like a pig so I can get so sick I'll never want to eat again. So far, I'm off to a good start as I'm munching these candy things S got for Christmas from the higher-ups. They're from LuLu Crunch, and again, if I was any good at this blog stuff, I could attach a link right here. In time, in time.

What I did do in 2004--
Lived semi-healthy-ly
Kept my kids healthy and safe
Had another successful and loving year in my 11-1/2 year marriage
Freelanced more than I ever thought I would, landing assignments with national publications like Parenting and Pregnancy
Networked
OH! Got a tattoo at the age of 35, while my three children watched, asking me if it hurt! (No more than when I pumped out the 9.4 lb and 9.0 babies!
Stalked famous authors - one in particular in which I got her third novel signed, in which she actually announced to the audience that I was her stalker, and she got up to give me a genuine hug and posed for pictures!
Had a fabulous beach weekend getaway with some of my best girlfriends, and we are now making it an annual event!
Toured NYC with some of our best friends and were very much 'ugly Americans' that weekend!
Hmmm... what else...
Saw one of my best friends blessed with her fourth child, and was thrilled that Michael was not only healthy, but of the male gender as well. The VC Prince hath arrived amidst a household of the most beautiful princesses and reigning king ever (and I'm undoubtedly very bummed I won't be in attendance of their soon-to-become Annual New Year's Eve party--maybe 2005's event?)
Had a surprisingly unexpected but successful relocation back to the midwest, where I lived my most impressionable years previously, ages 16 - 29.
Reconnected with lifetime friends, and took off right where we left off.
Celebrated Christmas with the third, fourth, fifth and sixth most important people in my children's lives in no apparent order--all four of their grandparents
Got a Dell and a digital camera, and my own website: www.stephanieelliot.com -- getting up there in the world, I'd say.
Lived, loved and felt lucky almost every single day, and that's what I have to remember, that one day, when my life turns shitty, I need to realize that I've spent the past (don't read) thirty-five and a half years living a totally awesome life with family and friends that are true in every sense of the words.
May your year be everything you want it to be; may it be blessed with comfort and friends, and family who loves you back! I was going to spell Siyonara, but not sure how, so I'll close with a simple--Adios!

Funk

As in, "I'm in one." Just in a crabby, crappy mood and for really no reason. Missing friends from PA, dealing with a 7-year old who is getting a smarty attitude, and a five-year old who is on the verge of becoming a porn star (not really, and won't go into the details, let's just say Darling Diva likes to be nudey... which I guess is normal for a kid this age?) But I didn't want to get into that here.

So, Ajer Bajer lost his 6th tooth tonight, and this just happens to be his second one since he found out the tooth fairy is big old mom and dad. I had to tell him. He looked me in the eye a few teeth ago and said, "Tell me the truth mom, is the tooth fairy real?" Of course, I didn't have the brain cells at the time to say, "Do you want her to be real?" I had used that one before, and frankly, I was just tired of lying to him or changing the subject.

Speaking of changing the subject, shouldn't I be flattered that Jumbo lusts after me all over the house, and why don't I ever want a piece of the action? Aren't the mid-thirties supposed to be a woman's peak or whatever they say? If so, I got royally screwed in that department because if I made a list of things I want to do with my free time, having sex would be after sing ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall ninety-nine times. Pathetic.

Here is my list though, of things I want to do with my free time, which is extremely limited these days:
Sleep
Nap
Lose Weight (which would then mean I would have to include exercise on this list in order to lose weight...)
Exercise
Go out to nice dinners and order nice wines (Which would erase --what's that other big word--accerbate...something like that --remove, delete, counteract, erase...))) my earlier quest to lose weight...
But wait!
This is a list about the things I would do with a limited amount of free time, so let's start it over. If I could have four full hours to myself what would I choose to do during those four full hours:
Nap
Sleep (okay, those are on both lists)
Go to B&N and browse
Go to B&N and get a grandenonfatsugarfreevanillalatte *finally know how to order one!* and a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie --which then negates --that's the word I was looking for!--the sugarfreenonfatlatte.
Write
Lay down alone and breathe
Take a yoga class
Go for a walk
Go for a power walk.
Hold a baby (not for the full four hours, just until it started crying or trying to latch onto my breast).

OK, so, can you see I'm in a funk?

Anyway... why do people say, "Anywhoo" I just don't understand that one.
I've got another idea for a book, and this time it's a young adult novel that just came to me this a.m. so I had to immediately jot down notes so I wouldn't forget. I started writing a little too. It's called Shepherd Girl, not that it has anything to do with sheep or shepherds, but doesn't the name sound pretty cool? And I have the last line of the book wrapped up too.

So, still in a funk, but this is therapeutic to be brainstorming on this stuff. Sorry if I'm boring you to tears, but hey, this is what it's all about.

BTW, just read The Pleasure of my Company by Steve Martin--he is a beautiful writer. I'm so glad he's sharing his literary talent with the world as well as his comedic talents. Of course, he always rocked as a singer... King Tut... How funky is your monkey? Ok, thou hast once again digressed.

This Is A Test

OK, I'm going to post this to see if my blog comes up on the most recently updated blogs on the Blogger Dashboard. I should just go to bed. PS--why doesn't the stupid clock record the accurate time for crying out loud?

But Maybe It Did?

I can write an entry, choose whatever time I want to publish it, and actually foresee into the future. Or, I can just go to bed already. Watch where I put this blog. I'm making it an hour earlier than it really is. I need the extra sleep.

My Experiment Didn't Work.

but maybe if I don't change the clock to reflect the correct time?

I've Doubled My Readership!

Big News here at Manic Mom's Mental Myriads! My readership has doubled thanks to mumma23, my first reader, and now June, my second reader! Maybe we can do a Clairol commercial where you'll tell two friends who will tell two friends and so on, and so on, and so on! (I'm still scared to show my mom!)

364 More Days

I'm soooo ready for the holidays to be O.V.E.R. I'm stuffed like a fat pig, full of ... well, full of crap, really. And I ate, and ate, and ate because I know the diet starts again in another week or so. I have to get back on the WW bandwagon. If I had been counting points this past month, I would be... I don't know... pretty much fucked! Ha. I'm just ready to get into a normal routine in our new home, get back to writing, and having a routine, and not eating so much shit.

The kids had a great Christmas, and AJ even came up from the basement for air a couple of times. I figured that with his big Santa present--Game Cube--I could pretty much take him out of the equation for the next few years. I'm glad he's not glued to it though.

And shrinky dinks in the stockings... how cool! I gotta get me some more of them things.

My present... I'm sitting in it right now, and I'll be sleeping in it later, and I'll be bathing and eating, and shitting and yelling and hopefully writing A LOT in my new present... My home sweet home, which has been my home for all of about... hmmm... 33 days or so, and it just feels absolutely, positively comfortably ours. I just wish all our company would go home now so I don't have to be so nice anymore... Bah Humbug, I'm tired. But, thankful for the gift of Jesus, that's for sure!

Merry Christmas

'Tis the Season

The house is in order, the gifts are wrapped, (most of them anyway--the ones that are purchased!), mom is in the kitchen making chili, and I'm in "The Haven" posting on the blog that nobody will ever read (Ha, I write that in hopes that one day I'm famous and people will say, 'Hey, remember when you thought nobody knew who you were?' ")

Speaking of nobody knew who you were... it happened... I've been back in town a couple of months and ran into my first DGN alum at the grocery store. This is a person I googled, found her name and email and thought it might be fun to look her up. So I sent an email. No response. And then, this a.m. Hub and I roll out of bed and go to run some errands, me, of course, looking quite like shit, bedheaded, a couple zits, no makeup, but nonetheless, cheery and friendly and open and full of life!

Then I saw her in the aisle. First, I told myself, nah, couldn't be her. Then, I snuck around another aisle, checked her out... hmmm. Quite possible. Knowing I looked like shit, I took the plunge anyway and walked up to her because I knew I would just be mad at myself if I didn't say hi and missed the opportunity to find out some good gossip. I said her name. Yep, it was her.

Me: "Hi! I heard you had a baby?"
Her: "Yes, she'll be one this month."
Me: "Great, and I see you're expecting again!"
Her: "No."
Me: "Oh, nice to see you."

Ha, that's not what really happened, but I was happy to see that I was thinner, albeit with no makeup on, and that I had a big diamond ring (hand-me-down from my mother; not my original, which still graces my right ring finger).

Thou hath digressed.

Onto another subject: The paint in the office is done, and I will NEVER, NEVER, EVER remove wallpaper from another wall as long as I live. It took five days just to remove the shit, and another three days to paint. Color choice ended up being Fireflies Glow courtesy of Disney paints, and it's warm and cozy and inspiring and the room is filled with all the books I love, the pictures and portraits I love, my favorite trinkets and the big 'ole cushy Sears outlet chair I got over 10 years ago for a whopping $200 when we couldn't afford it. Merry Christmas to me. This room is my gift and I love it and I hope to be able to create a gift to give to people who will someday put this blog on their favorites list and look to see what new releases Stephanie Elliot has coming. Merry Christmas. Now it's time to clean up the palace and get ready for the guests to arrive!

Buzzed on a Thursday...

But loving my new neighbors!

Dance the "WHAT?"

Diva Daughter comes home from school the other day, must have been the first day of Hannukah, and she's singing a new song she's learned...
Light the candles, light the candles, Hannukah is here!
Spin the Draedel, spin the Draedel, Hannukah is here!
Dance the Whore, Dance the Whore, Hannukah is here!

Surely, they won't send a five-year old to Hell for that, will they? Sure hope she doesn't get sent to the Firey Wallpaper Room!

Hell

Hell hath no fury like a room full of outdated wallpaper. I now know what happens to those condemned to spend eternity in hell. They are stuck in a room with crap wallpaper, with or without a steamer and / or Dif, because it makes no DIFference if you've got the tools or not... and they are told to take the wallpaper down. It's the suckiest job in the world and I ache from head to toe right now from getting only about 60 percent of the striped tan and mauve paper down from my office walls. And, two of the walls are doors and windows so there's not much to take down. Now I have to call Home Depot and see if I can rent the steamer for an extra day. I guess I'll have to look on the bright side--surely I'm losing weight from being stuck in this room with a steamer, sweating my ass off; and my pores have got to be opening up from the steam as well. Still, it's a hell job and if I could make a wish right now, it would be never to have to take wallpaper down ever, ever again.

This is a Blothing

I have just invented a new word, and I believe it would be considered a noun, if you'd find it in the dictionary. A Blothing (rhymes with Nothing, not clothing) is a Blog about Nothing, and you, dear reader(s) is/are the first to know of this newly created word that will someday grace the pages of Webster, along with it's counterpart BLOG. So, here's my first Blothing, which would possibly be called a Frblothing... Is this a Seinfeld episode or what? Ok, let's take that topic and run with it, shall we?

Seinfeld episodes that come to mind:
Spongeworthy.
George eating the donut out of the garbage.
The cake thing--Chocolate Babka.
The horse farting beans (Is this the same episode where Jerry tries to steal the Chocolate Babka from the old lady?
Kramer getting sunburned.
Kramer hosting the Asians and putting them in his drawers to sleep.
Hmmm... still thinking...
OH yeah, Five, ten minutes!
It was a scratch, not a pick!
Not that there's anything wrong with it!
George taking a book into the public restroom.
Elaine dancing like an idiot. But she did make it popular to dance like an idiot, thereby freeing a lot of idiotic dancers and permitting them to hit the dancefloor.
George killing Susan with envelope paste.
Come on, there's got to be more... think, dammit, think...

Well, I could move onto Brady Bunch episodes--
Tiger gets lost
The Hawaiian Tiki doll.
The misplaced poster/blueprints at the amusement park.
Jan needing glasses.
Marsha needing a nose job.
Cindy when she got braces and got ugly.
When it's time to change.
Alice getting 'meat' from Sam.
OK, this one is a boring one.

I think I've bored you all (okay the one kind reader of this blog--please comment, please! So I don't think I'm a complete loser!).
This is the end of my blothing. Stay tuned for more.
Ta-ta....

Are You Reading This?

Someone did! I got a 'comment post' regarding my The Bulls entry. So, I at least know that one person out there knows I exist! Thanks mumma23... are you 23 because of MJ? Hmmm... Anyway, if you've stumbled upon this blog, and perhaps stuck it in your FAVORITES file, please send me a comment so I know I'm not the only one in the world reading the crap I have to write about!

Dragon Fruit or Aruba Pink?

The dilemma of the week--which color to paint my office to bring about a sense of inspiration, creativity, fun and funk.

I Blew It

A fuse that is. I'm sifting through boxes in the garage and find one filled with Christmas lights and decide that I'm going to "Clark Griswold" out and make my house the best damned brightest house on the lane. Plus, that way, Santa will be able to find us!

And since Scott was all con about putting up lights and was instead focusing on assemblying towel racks, I took over the job this year. The first set of lights went up quite nicely, some were the mesh ones that you just throw on top of the bush. Then, when I found these fun colored lights, I just had to bring them out too!

Lo and Behold, they all died on me, even the ones that were working first. Now it is dark at 6468, and Santa will never find us.

An Essay

http://www.parentstages.com/article.asp?id=4399&partnerid=63

Dull

Okay, my blog is definitely boring after surfing through some others. Whew...I think I need a cold shower.

Porn Sites and Spying

Okay, not sure how I feel about this one. It's one thing to know your husband enjoys a 'magazine' every now and then, but to find out he's spent some time on milfhunter.com and grannymax.com TODAY! I don't want to hear how stressful his job is and how hard he works ANYMORE! Well, maybe it's my fault for not giving it up. To his credit, he did chase me around the house all weekend long!

But, am I wrong to check out his history page? Is sharing your recent online searches something spouses are required to do? Heck, I tell him when I'm having my online affairs! In fact, I mentioned the latest to him just yesterday... the one I'm having with a member of a band! And it's getting really hot. He went so far today as to ask me how my weekend was! Yep, the steam never vaporizes here at Manic Mom's Mental Myriads!

Breakup Babe

I wanted to spend some time writing about how I was excited to start writing again but then I hit a link that took me to Breakup Babe's blog and spent the last almost 2 hours reading of her woes of Loser Boy and I would sit here and read through every single one of her archived blogs but I eventually need to go to sleep. The lucky gal gets a book deal from Random house for blogging about her broken heart. I say way to go to her for being able to squash all the jerks who squashed her heart, and in print no less! I cannot wait for that book to come out!

So, now there's no time for writing, just dreaming about me finishing my book. The book that has been in my mind and computer for, let's see, Tookey was eight months old when the idea was born. So, let's see... Oh wait, I told you all I wasn't going to be doing mathematical equations on this blog, and even subtracting 8 months from three years and three months is a little too much for me... shit, I hate math. Anyway, one step closer to getting to that first step of working on 40 now that my brand new rocking cool office is being cleared out. By cleared out I mean the shit that was on the floor is now inconspiciously (sp?) behind my $200 Sears Outlet big ole plush chair I had to have B/K (before kids). Guess I'm done because I was trying to think of how to end this, and I'm just in a funk now, for what reason? I'm not sure. Oh, maybe because tomorrow is Monday and it's already going to be a rainy, drizzly shitty day and I've got not one single Christmas gift purchased. I sure as hell hope Santa knows we've moved from Philly to (oops, I was going to write where I live now, but I know there are such things out there now called Blogger-Stalkers ((and I should trademark that!)) but now I just realized you all already know I live in Illinois because I mentioned The Bulls in an earlier post). Is nothing sacred. Oh, and anyway, tomorrow is Monday and it's going to be damp, drizzly and depressing. Just another manic Monday, or as I like to say, Just another Zanax Monday!

Life is Good; The Wine is Cold

It's 4:00p.m. but you'll probably know this by the blog time. Anyway, did some stuff around the house; got Scott to do a lot of Honey-Dos around. Might have to come up with an annonymous name for DH... possibly Jumbo, but many people know him as that. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about...

It's our first official full weekend in our new home and since we have cathedral ceilings and an open-air foyer, Jumbo and I were awakened this a.m. by our three darling kids, whom I will try to come up with nicknames for right now--Diva Daughter, Tookie, and Ajer Bajer. There, that's done. I've nicknamed my whole family to keep them annonymous.

So, we get woken up (waked up, have woked, have woken--hate that word) and I go downstairs to make pancakes but bagged the whole thing when I realized I bought mix that requires eggs and oil. Not happening... too much work. Usually I get the Hungry Jack where ya just add water. So, out came the microwave mini pancakes and everyone was happy.

Playing around in my office, my new haven, and loving it. Music is playing, wine is nearby, and Jumbo is outside with Diva Daughter, Tookie and Ajer Bajer along with some of the neighbor kids. Interestingly enough, we've become friends with the previous owners and their son, (insert nickname here--think, think... ) Red-Hair Joseph, is over playing. He comes into our house, which was formerly his home for his whole life. I say, "Make yourself at home, Joseph!" We laugh.

The first time his family was over, he said to me, "Thanks for not taking a crane to my house and wrecking it."

I said, "You mean like your mother and father did to the house that used to be where your mansion is now?!?!"

So, anyway, reflections on the new home, Jumbo, AKA "The man from 'Sleeping With The Enemy'" or "Anal-Boy" (who doesn't actually beat me up like man from Sleeping With The Enemy, but of course, I'm not exactly Julia Roberts!) has put up a bunch of things I wanted him to do today, now he's outside playing ball and trying to meet fun neighbors who will possibly throw some back with him. I'm listening to a mix CD currently playing Michelle Branch and having a glass of Pinot in my new haven. A perfect Saturday afternoon.

Writer of the Month

I was featured as the first freelance writer in this new e-newsletter!
http://writerssuccess.netfirms.com/WOMstephanieelliot.htm

Swiffing The Night Away

I just got through swiffing the kitchen hardwood floor and wonder what is the plural of swiff? I have swiffed the floor?
have swuft the floor?
swift/swuft/have swifted/have swuft?
Hmmm... anyway, my friend Lisa turned me onto the Swiffer. At first, I was skeptical, but she was having so much fun. She looked like Ginger Rogers dancing away in the living room with a broomstick Fred Astaire, singing all the way in the rain (Lisa's very fond of AMC the American Movie Channel and the oldies).
Anyway, this is not a dig toward Lisa, but I know she's not a big fan of household chores, and who can blame her? Who enjoys these menial tasks? But when I saw her swiffing away, I said to myself, "Hmmm... that looks like too much fun."
Then, I tried it. And I called Lisa immediately.
"I have succumbed to the Swiffer."
"Don't you love it?"
"Love it! I'm a Swiffer Addict!"
"Told you so."
Just don't tell Scott I'm enjoying this household duty gig of cleaning the kitchen floors.

The Bulls

So, being freshly relocated to the Chicago area, the men in this family are all about the sports scene. Scott's buddy was able to score some big tix for a box at the Bulls game. I used to follow MJ back when he was 23, then 45, then we moved east and I became disenchanted. Now we're back, and it would be really cool to see a game, experience the Chicago sports thing again, and maybe eat and drink some free grub. I thought it would be a fun family night, seeing as we've all been a little stressed with the relocation.
Scott: Joe got about 25 tickets to a Bulls game skybox.
Me: Cool! Can our whole family go?
Scott: Uh... I'll have to check with Joe. [grabs the cordless, walks into the other room and makes a call - or maybe he didn't make a call? hmmm....]
Scott (returning from the other room): Actually, he's only got 10 tickets.
Yeah, right.... and next time someone in this house wants to score, there just might not be a ticket available for the box...

The F Word

Last night, my seven-year old, out of the blue, mind you, opens up an interesting topic of discussion. Let me replay the incident for you within quotation marks:
AJ: Mom, how do you spell fuck?
(Emphasis was placed on the word DO, as if he had been contemplating this earth shattering question for days now in his young life.)
After my eyeballs were suctioned back into my head by the inhalation of my breath, I said, "Where did you ever hear that?"
AJ: (shrugging) I dunno.
I pressed further: "Come on, where did you hear that?"
AJ: Nowhere.
Me: AJ?
Unable to come up with a logical answer he lifts his shoulders and his eyebrows, almost as if a question and says: "You?"
Me: "You never heard me say that!"
AJ: "Yeah, remember the other day, you started to go 'ffffffffrrrr'?"
Me: "I was going to say FREAK."
Then I sat him down and said, "AJ, that is the baddest, baddest worst bad word in the entire world. Worse than stupid or dumb or hate or fart or crap and I never want you to say it again, okay?"
AJ: "Okay."
Me: "I'm not mad at you. I'm glad we had this talk."
Fuck, what am I going to do now?

Why Am I Up at 1:41 a.m.?

First entry. Nothing to say but I need to go to sleep.