Have At It, Critics!
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posted by MaNiC MoMMy™ @ 3:25 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
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- Name: MaNiC MoMMy™
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THeRe'S a MeTHoD To HeR MaNiC!
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13 Comments:
Oooooo. Tasty.... Sweet and Tangy! Very good. Hard to write provacatively, but with the added sugar... it was just right!! Well done. Looking forward to more excerpts. :)
I really do admire you putting your work on your blog and opening yourself to criticism. I really don’t think I could do it.
In the spirit of critique, I hope this helps…
I had a problem with this part:
she spread her legs, thinking to herself, “God, if only my mother knew.”
J kept kissing her as she scooted back a bit, opening her legs further, making room for J to climb up, but he then suddenly stopped.
“Wait, I told you I was thirsty.”
I’m reading about how he puts her up on the island and then, BAM, I get a line about her mother. This throws the reader off and kills the mood. I think you wanted to throw us off by, “Wait, I told you I was thirsty.” but it does not do as intended because of the mother line.
Also, be careful of “telling” verses “showing.” For example: "J looked at her, a certain gleam that looked as if he planned on teasing her for the rest of the afternoon."
Get rid of the, “look as if” part. It is stronger if written, “J looked at her. He planed on teasing her for the rest of the afternoon.” Then the reader infers what the look said.
Good Job. I hope this helps.
You already know what I think, and Manic-readers, this ain't the half of it.
intense
Muy Bueno! Are you going to have another contest so I can win and get to read the entire thing? You've got to stop teasing us like this ;)
Excuse me I have to go find my husband!
I put a lemon in my diet coke today and of course, my mind goes DIRECTLY to this scene. I will never look at a lemon again as I used to, and you all don't even know the half of it yet!
Getting Kisses For Yourself Obviously Undoes Sensuous Yelling
http://modigli.blogspot.com/ The answer to a burning question.
Anon 2:58--What's the burning question? MoDigli is one of my bookmarked...
hey - you are guys are talking about me in anonymous fashion! Wow... that means I'm famous. :)
As for this post, no wonder your parents were doing it! If your mom reads your blog, then you just might have inspired something.
Uhm, was that another TMI? :)
I'm supposed to be writing a scene for a film, but I'm new to this and I have a lot of trouble with dialoge. I can write all about what people are doing and thinking, but the conversations, back and forth, I am struggling with. I don't know how you do it.
Memphis Steve--I took a class once and one assignment was to write a complete scene using dialog only. It was a fun thing to do. Then we had to 'act' it out in the class. Mine was about a husband and wife who were watching the pregnancy stick turn purple signifying positive. Very neat way to get the dialog rolling. We also had to write something once without using ANY adjectives. Very hard! But it cleaned up the work very much
On The Night Men Grin.
Hot with a capital OMG!!!!
Lemonade sounds very refreshing right now, and thanks to you I will be thinking of all the things a person can do with lemons and sugar other than make a yummy beverage.
*Hot adjectives justify intense tingles....my pass word couldn't have been better!
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