Manic Mom's Mental Myriads

Stop by and have a laugh from Manic Mom's Mental Myriads on Motherhood, and some other stuff too, but mostly motherhood, wifehood, thoughts on writing, etc. No politics will be discussed here or geography, and I will not be solving any mathematical equations. Just some BS on whatever I feel like blogging on...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Have At It, Critics!

This post temporarily removed by blog-owner.

15 Comments:

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Ex-Girlfriends Revenge said...

Oooooo. Tasty.... Sweet and Tangy! Very good. Hard to write provacatively, but with the added sugar... it was just right!! Well done. Looking forward to more excerpts. :)

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I really do admire you putting your work on your blog and opening yourself to criticism. I really don’t think I could do it.

In the spirit of critique, I hope this helps…

I had a problem with this part:

she spread her legs, thinking to herself, “God, if only my mother knew.”

J kept kissing her as she scooted back a bit, opening her legs further, making room for J to climb up, but he then suddenly stopped.

“Wait, I told you I was thirsty.”


I’m reading about how he puts her up on the island and then, BAM, I get a line about her mother. This throws the reader off and kills the mood. I think you wanted to throw us off by, “Wait, I told you I was thirsty.” but it does not do as intended because of the mother line.

Also, be careful of “telling” verses “showing.” For example: "J looked at her, a certain gleam that looked as if he planned on teasing her for the rest of the afternoon."

Get rid of the, “look as if” part. It is stronger if written, “J looked at her. He planed on teasing her for the rest of the afternoon.” Then the reader infers what the look said.

Good Job. I hope this helps.

 
At 4:44 PM, Blogger Christa said...

You already know what I think, and Manic-readers, this ain't the half of it.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger J Holden said...

intense

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger Erin said...

Muy Bueno! Are you going to have another contest so I can win and get to read the entire thing? You've got to stop teasing us like this ;)

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Joel said...

I disagree with Heather's two points, especially the first one. Speaking from a guy's perspective, the whole "if only my mother knew" bit is very hot. Guys like the idea of girls being dirty, and thinking these dirty thoughts. Didn't pull me out of the moment at all. However, Heather is a female, which is the main base of your target audience, so I imagine you'll take my own comments with a grain of salt.

About her second point, it is unclear if he plans on teasing her for the rest of the afternoon, it's just an inkling that she gets based on the way he looks, so the "looked as if" description is appropriate.

I have a lot more than this, but I can't fit it all into a comment. ARGH!

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

Excuse me I have to go find my husband!

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Joel said...

Yes, you're going to find your husband, hand him a lemon and some ice, lay back on the counter, and he's not gonna have any clue as to what you want... but he might make lemonade =P

Ride Uttering "Freaky Nags Absconded Nachos!"

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I put a lemon in my diet coke today and of course, my mind goes DIRECTLY to this scene. I will never look at a lemon again as I used to, and you all don't even know the half of it yet!

Getting Kisses For Yourself Obviously Undoes Sensuous Yelling

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://modigli.blogspot.com/ The answer to a burning question.

 
At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon 2:58--What's the burning question? MoDigli is one of my bookmarked...

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger MoDigli said...

hey - you are guys are talking about me in anonymous fashion! Wow... that means I'm famous. :)

As for this post, no wonder your parents were doing it! If your mom reads your blog, then you just might have inspired something.

Uhm, was that another TMI? :)

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Memphis Steve said...

I'm supposed to be writing a scene for a film, but I'm new to this and I have a lot of trouble with dialoge. I can write all about what people are doing and thinking, but the conversations, back and forth, I am struggling with. I don't know how you do it.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Memphis Steve--I took a class once and one assignment was to write a complete scene using dialog only. It was a fun thing to do. Then we had to 'act' it out in the class. Mine was about a husband and wife who were watching the pregnancy stick turn purple signifying positive. Very neat way to get the dialog rolling. We also had to write something once without using ANY adjectives. Very hard! But it cleaned up the work very much

On The Night Men Grin.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Charity said...

Hot with a capital OMG!!!!

Lemonade sounds very refreshing right now, and thanks to you I will be thinking of all the things a person can do with lemons and sugar other than make a yummy beverage.

*Hot adjectives justify intense tingles....my pass word couldn't have been better!

 

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