Home Sweet Home

It's good to go on a vacation, and it's good to get home from a vacation. Some of the highlights, which may or may not be expanded upon in a later post:

Our nine hour stay at the airport while we waited for weather to clear up so we could take off. Flight supposed to leave at 2:45 p.m. We didn't get to Fla until 1:00 a.m.

Conversations from people we will not reveal here about masterbation, and how significant other walked in, saw "the act" and was asked to assist in the grand finale, but had to decline for reasons I will not reveal here either. It was a hilarious conversation though, and brought back childhood memories our family likes to refer to as the time when "we used to hug the pool jets."

Ajer chokes on a (ready for this one?) Easter LIFESAVER candy while 15 people stand around. I attempt to get it out of his throat, first by yelling at him: ARE YOU JOKING, YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT? as he spews spit, is unable to breathe and is utilizing the universal symbol for "Help me I'm choking!" by clutching his throat and rolling his eyes into the back of his head. Fortunately, Life Hero (aka his Uncle) came to the rescue and performed the heimlich on him.

Reuniting with my best friend of sophomore year in high school ShakkaConna, after not corresponding for close to twenty years, not by some falling out, just because we got busy with other things in life. It was great seeing her, and I wish now I would have contacted The Learning Channel's Reunion show to follow us through our reunion because I could so see the camera crew set up in the little Thai restaurant we had lunch in. She and I were notably dorks in high school that sophomore year, and even invented a secret language where every word we spoke started with the letter W. For instance: We Ware Woing Wo Weh Wore Woday. Wo Wou Want Wo Wome With Wus? (Do you need a translation?)Another hightlight of our friendship: Valentine's day that year at school, she and I color-coordinated our outfits. I wore pastel pink pants, she wore white ones. I wore a white top, she wore a pink top. And since we walked the halls together to most of our classes, everyone had to know we were complete dorks, but isn't this the fun stuff memories are made of? We also enjoyed each and every Friday night together, where we would sit at either her house or mine and watch The Love Boat and then Fantasy Island. And, I imagine, if we could stay awake that long, we probably watched Friday Night Videos as well. (Any of you remember that show? It was like the first music video show, and probably existed before MTV.) Anyway, ShakkaConna has not changed a bit, except to get cuter and toner, and I'm so glad we're back in touch! Shout out to ya babe!

Diva and I take a shower just yesterday evening, which is the first shower of the week for her, and I have to admit, her hair was becoming reminscint of Avril Lavigne because it hadn't been brushed or washed for so long. We probably could have given her dreadlocks. So, into Nana's huge shower we go. I turn on the water, and we both freeze for a substantial amount of time before I yell out to my mother: DOES IT WARM UP? She yelled back: YES, BUT IT TAKES A REALLY LONG TIME. Ten minutes later, Diva and I are in the shower, still freezing, and singing a song that we were in Stupidville and this was the stupidest shower in the whole wide world. I scream back out to mom: IT'S STILL FREEZING! She comes into the bathroom, opens the shower door, while I use Diva as a shield to protect my nakedness from my mother. She looks at the faucet and says:
You have it turned completely to cold.

What?

I've been showering/bathing for almost 36 years and I turned on the water to cold, thinking to the right was hot, and to the left was cold.

So, Diva and I start warming up as soon as I turned the knob to the left, and begin a new song:

Mom is soooo stupid. How can I be soooo stupid! I'm an idiot!

Other hightlights: throwing up in the middle of the night after Easter--way too many treats eaten--I started the morning with a breakfast of, no lie, five or six brownies. Why? Because they were there. The day continued with some jelly beans, M&Ms, but no Peeps, because I think those are the stupidest candies in the entire world. The rest of the day included eating four or five pedifore cakes, squares of orange cake, cream-cheese cupcakes, egg shaped cookies, and an assortment of other crap I've pushed out of my mind because just the thought may make me sick again.

Flight home was much more uneventful than our journey to Tampa. I had a ventinonfatsugarfreeicedvanillalattewithwhip before we got on the plane, and then, as I popped the requisite two Xanax before boarding, I thought to myself that maybe the caffeine from the venti might counteract the much needed relaxing effects of the Xanax. Flight got a little bumpy midway through, so I popped another Xanax. If I'm going down, I want to have the feelings of like, "Oh well, down she goes." Fortunately, that didn't happen.

More later, I guess, but I'm going up to bed now. Hope your Easters and Spring Breaks were as exciting as mine! It's good to be back--missed you all!