Manic Mom's Mental Myriads

Stop by and have a laugh from Manic Mom's Mental Myriads on Motherhood, and some other stuff too, but mostly motherhood, wifehood, thoughts on writing, etc. No politics will be discussed here or geography, and I will not be solving any mathematical equations. Just some BS on whatever I feel like blogging on...

Monday, June 27, 2005

The Person You Once Were

Do you ever miss the person you once were? The younger you? The pre-mom, pre-married, nutty girl just on the verge of something big? Do you wonder what if? What if your life had turned out differently? What if you had gone to a different college? What if you had never moved to the midwest at age sixteen? How would your life be different? How would it be better? Worse?

I'm not being depressed; not at all. I just like to wonder a lot. I think I dream a lot about the What Ifs in life. There are so many to comtemplate. What if... what if I just stop writing this post right now and forget about it? What if I keep writing until my hands cramp up and my foot that is folded underneath my other leg falls asleep, until I get so dizzy from the words I can't stand up straight without swaying. What if.

Do you ever long to be the person you were ten years ago, five years ago? Twenty years ago? Twenty years ago, I was sixteen, boyfriend-less, not very savvy about clothes and boys and cool stuff. But I had friends, we did fun stuff (didn't we girls!?!?), and I guess I was a typical sixteen-year old for those times. But man, are they so different now. I walk around and see teenagers and feel inadequate. I know what they are thinking. They think, "Oh, that lady (not even a 'chick') is old. She has no clue what life is all about." They think, "I'm so cool, I am indestructable; I can pull a fast one over my parents any time I want to." They think about the next time they'll sneak out, make out with a boy, go to a party where there will definitely be more than just the beer, booze and pot I was surrounded with in the (dare I say... gulp) '80s.

Oh God, I feel so old.

Do others think of me this way? Sometimes I feel so tremendously old -- I've been married for twelve years, have three children that can fend for themselves for at least an hour or two at a time, I've got a wonderful life, have anything I want, and yet, what do I want? To be young again? To be crazy and unsure and sad and obsessed with trying to be someone I wasn't? I don't even know if I was happy with the person that I was back then. Why do I feel like I want to be that person again? There was nothing that exciting about her.

Is there anything exciting about her now?


At 2:12 AM, Blogger Marel Lecone said...

You know, I am the worst about looking back sometimes. When I hear a certain song, it reminds me of a different time. When I hear some great dance music now, I want to go to a club and dance. My husband is not really into that. I am going to be 34 this year. I work with these 19-21 years old at my part-time mall job. We have the best time. I went out them last month--it was so much fun. And, then they love babysitting my kids. I feel like right now they are keeping me young. Is that crazy? In my heart, I still feel so young. I love the popular music and culture. I don't have the body for it though. My body is slowing me down for sure.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I feel what you are saying. Take care.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Sniff, sniff -- I'm so glad to know I'm not alone! This is EXACTLY how I feel. I think it's called Nostalgia. Thanks for sharing, and I just read your blog about your FIL. I'm sorry.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger eatmisery said...

I always ponder what if's, too. I wish I could be younger sometimes, but that would mean I wouldn't be where I am right now. I am happy right now and I wasn't before. So I guess all the pondering won't change what already is.

I'm 33, but I don't feel like it. I still go outside in the rain while wearing my socks and I splash in the puddles like I'm still a kid. THAT keeps me young.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

eatmisery--I'm happy now too, but liked being younger, and carefree! I love letting the kids play in the rain, and love acting goofy. I guess it's all about the attitude!

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Robin said...

Oh my gosh, I am always wondering "what if"! And I am always wondering what it would be like to be 19 or 20 again. Life was so easy then. College, parties, boyfriends. Hubby and I talk about that from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I am too old to listen to certain music, wear certain clothes, as if being a "mom" doesn't allow me those things. That's a little unsettling. But, I don't think I could handle all that freedom of being really young now. I am used to the constraints I have set up on my life, and you know, they are comforting.

At 8:22 PM, Blogger Kristen said...

I just went to the store and realized that no, I am never ever going to fit into junior clothes again. It's officially over. Even if I really want that slutty top, they don't make it to fit nursing boobs. Ugh. And who would want to see me in it anyway???

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

Funny that you posted about looking back and forward, re-evaluating, and such on my 32nd birthday.
I have been doing a lot of that lately...
And as far as being boring? Not very, judging by the photos you posted ;-)


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