The Person You Once Were
Do you ever miss the person you once were? The younger you? The pre-mom, pre-married, nutty girl just on the verge of something big? Do you wonder what if? What if your life had turned out differently? What if you had gone to a different college? What if you had never moved to the midwest at age sixteen? How would your life be different? How would it be better? Worse?
I'm not being depressed; not at all. I just like to wonder a lot. I think I dream a lot about the What Ifs in life. There are so many to comtemplate. What if... what if I just stop writing this post right now and forget about it? What if I keep writing until my hands cramp up and my foot that is folded underneath my other leg falls asleep, until I get so dizzy from the words I can't stand up straight without swaying. What if.
Do you ever long to be the person you were ten years ago, five years ago? Twenty years ago? Twenty years ago, I was sixteen, boyfriend-less, not very savvy about clothes and boys and cool stuff. But I had friends, we did fun stuff (didn't we girls!?!?), and I guess I was a typical sixteen-year old for those times. But man, are they so different now. I walk around and see teenagers and feel inadequate. I know what they are thinking. They think, "Oh, that lady (not even a 'chick') is old. She has no clue what life is all about." They think, "I'm so cool, I am indestructable; I can pull a fast one over my parents any time I want to." They think about the next time they'll sneak out, make out with a boy, go to a party where there will definitely be more than just the beer, booze and pot I was surrounded with in the (dare I say... gulp) '80s.
Oh God, I feel so old.
Do others think of me this way? Sometimes I feel so tremendously old -- I've been married for twelve years, have three children that can fend for themselves for at least an hour or two at a time, I've got a wonderful life, have anything I want, and yet, what do I want? To be young again? To be crazy and unsure and sad and obsessed with trying to be someone I wasn't? I don't even know if I was happy with the person that I was back then. Why do I feel like I want to be that person again? There was nothing that exciting about her.
Is there anything exciting about her now?
posted by MaNiC MoMMy™ @ 10:05 PM
7 Comments:
You know, I am the worst about looking back sometimes. When I hear a certain song, it reminds me of a different time. When I hear some great dance music now, I want to go to a club and dance. My husband is not really into that. I am going to be 34 this year. I work with these 19-21 years old at my part-time mall job. We have the best time. I went out them last month--it was so much fun. And, then they love babysitting my kids. I feel like right now they are keeping me young. Is that crazy? In my heart, I still feel so young. I love the popular music and culture. I don't have the body for it though. My body is slowing me down for sure.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I feel what you are saying. Take care.
Sniff, sniff -- I'm so glad to know I'm not alone! This is EXACTLY how I feel. I think it's called Nostalgia. Thanks for sharing, and I just read your blog about your FIL. I'm sorry.
I always ponder what if's, too. I wish I could be younger sometimes, but that would mean I wouldn't be where I am right now. I am happy right now and I wasn't before. So I guess all the pondering won't change what already is.
I'm 33, but I don't feel like it. I still go outside in the rain while wearing my socks and I splash in the puddles like I'm still a kid. THAT keeps me young.
eatmisery--I'm happy now too, but liked being younger, and carefree! I love letting the kids play in the rain, and love acting goofy. I guess it's all about the attitude!
Oh my gosh, I am always wondering "what if"! And I am always wondering what it would be like to be 19 or 20 again. Life was so easy then. College, parties, boyfriends. Hubby and I talk about that from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I am too old to listen to certain music, wear certain clothes, as if being a "mom" doesn't allow me those things. That's a little unsettling. But, I don't think I could handle all that freedom of being really young now. I am used to the constraints I have set up on my life, and you know, they are comforting.
I just went to the store and realized that no, I am never ever going to fit into junior clothes again. It's officially over. Even if I really want that slutty top, they don't make it to fit nursing boobs. Ugh. And who would want to see me in it anyway???
Funny that you posted about looking back and forward, re-evaluating, and such on my 32nd birthday.
I have been doing a lot of that lately...
And as far as being boring? Not very, judging by the photos you posted ;-)
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